How are you feeling?

I get asked this question...a lot. Physically, I am fine. Emotionally, not so much.

I feel like I have been put through the ringer this past three weeks. An emergency c-section, a surgical procedure to remove blood clots, and a trip to the ER for an infection, takes a toll on you. It's hard because first and foremost I want to be there for my girls. I had a wake up call with these post-op complications and realized I need to take care of myself, too.

Now that I feel like my health is back on the right track, I am trying to get my emotions in check too. When people say the NICU is a roller coaster, it is an understatement. I don't know if I can fully wrap my mind around what went on that Tuesday and the days after. The hardest part of this entire ordeal was sitting up on the OB floor of the hospital with no babies, but yet seeing all these happy parents being able to have the babies in the room with them. It was one of the loneliest times I have ever experienced. I would sit up in my room and cry, being jealous of the other parents who were able to hold their children. I didn't get to hold either one until they were 4 days old, and it was only for a half hour. In fact, I never heard them cry or saw their eyes open until then either. I was so, so, so, scared they wouldn't know I was their mom.

The first time I held them I couldn't help but cry....and the sense of relief I felt when I realized they knew, I was their mom. I tried to spend most of my days in the hospital down in the NICU, but it was tough when all the doctors have to do their rounds, get medicine, etc. I was often called back up to my room or forced to stay there until all the doctors have seen me. When I found out I had blood clots on Friday night, I was so upset. I just wanted to be down in the NICU with the girls - not stuck in my room. When I didn't pass them, I had a D&C and had to be in the hospital an extra day. It wasn't until 5:00pm six days later than my admittance when I was finally discharged...and the same night I had to leave the hospital without my girls.

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. I went home and sobbed. This continued daily. I would wake up and cry, and I would cry myself to sleep, and sob. I still have my moments now. Just the other night I had a meltdown again. The hardest part is trying to be strong for Macyn back at home. This has been another source of emotion. She needs her Mommy too and its hard for her to understand. She cannot see her sisters until they come home. So every time DH & I want to be at the NICU we need to find a babysitter for her. Now that we are on a schedule of time at home and time in the NICU it seems a little easier. I still miss our family not being together, but I am doing the best I can.

1.5 weeks after they were born I ended up in the ER with an infection. Sweats, chills, fever, high heart rate, low blood pressure were all my symptoms. They pumped me with fluids, did a chest xray, and sent me home on antibiotics. I just broke down, again. I was just grateful that they were able to treat it with antibiotics and I was not contagious.

Besides all these emotions, another one I have is fear that I will not be able to care for these preemies like I should. Its a lot different than caring for a full term baby. They forget to breathe sometimes and it scares me. What if it happens when I am home? I am excited to bring them home, but I am also petrified at the same time. This makes me cry too. I am so thankful that the girls are doing well, but I just wish I could say the same for myself. I am getting by, but this whole situation of living in two places and not knowing when we can be a family is taking a toll.

Amongst all this, I am reminded that God is in control. This is his plans - not mine. I planned everything out from the beginning. We tried for another child when we knew we could afford it...I never punched numbers on what would happen with twins. And to be honest, I still don't know how our finances will look, but I know we can make it work. I also planned to have the girls yesterday, and God had different plans. I know them being premature was nothing I could have avoided, but I still feel guilty that I should have still been pregnant yesterday.

 I don't understand why, and I ask myself this often. Why couldn't they have been born yesterday? Why couldn't they be in the hopsital room with me? Why do I have to be put through this and have it be so hard? Why couldn't I just had healthy, full term babies? Why did they have to have TTTS? Why couldn't I have enjoyed Mother's Day being pregnant and home with Macyn? Why do I feel like I have to choose between my kids at home and my kids at the hospital? Why me? I don't understand God's ways sometimes, but I do know he has been walking by our side this entire time. Nothing that has happened to us was by chance - it was all God's plan and I need to continue in trusting in this journey he has put us on.

Its an emotional roller coaster and I will often find myself crying in joy holding them, crying in pain and hurt, and crying listening to Christian music because I am so thankful. I know it will get better, but its a strange feeling of being down in the dumps and not being able to get out. I have talked to doctors and they have reminded me, "You have been through a lot, you have a lot going on, your hormones are going crazy, and these feelings are normal."

Normal. I need to keep reminding myself of that. People have called me "supermom" but I sure don't feel like one. I often feel like a weak, sobbing parent on the verge of giving up some days. Some days I just need to be held. I finally made myself go to church, and made a beeline out of there once it was over. I am not ready to talk about things, or be bombarded by questions. If anyone who reads this noticed I haven't been exactly conversational, its because I'm just not quite ready. I have gone out in public a couple of times and have run into people I know, and I would be lying if  I said it wasn't hard on me to answer questions. It gets a little better every day, but some days I don't feel like I can keep it together anymore.

This post is getting long, but one day when I was holding the girls a song came up on my Pandora. I haven't ever heard it before, but it had some powerful lyrics. I don't think it was a coincidence this song started playing. It was a good reminder of how God is by our sides:

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me 

I remind myself of this often and pray often. People always ask how they can help too - we have had some very generous gifts of gas cards, cash, frozen meals, and other gift cards and we are very thankful. Other ways would just be something simple and free: Prayer. Prayer for the girls, our family, travels, the doctors, and the list can go on an on. Sometimes I have so much to pray for I don't know where to begin. It is nice to have support from others and we appreciate everything they (you) have done.